It’s that time of year again, gentlemen. Football season. More importantly, the Super Bowl. Of course, being a game journalist, clearly I have no interest in anything without textures, bloom, or jiggle physics, so I put together a team of nothing but video game characters that I’ll be fantasizing about a few seconds after kickoff on Superbowl Sunday. Now, I set me down some ground rules; mainly that they still have to abide by the standard conventions of football, so no ghosts being all impossible to tackle and junk like that.

First off, the quarterback. I needed the best arm in the business, and it doesn’t get much better than Captain Falcon. At least, I’m assuming he’s got a good throwing arm, since apparently his punch is enough to set people on fire. He must be doing something to beef up his arms while he’s in that cockpit all the time…I may need to get some flame retardant receivers just in case.

Next, the running back. Sonic. Next.

Deciding on a fullback was tough, mostly because who cares about fullbacks, right? Ha! Anyway, I decided to go with Master Chief. He can apparently get riddled with bullets without getting knocked back even the slightest bit, and flips tanks on a regular basis. How would a linebacker take down somebody like that? Chief takes more hits every day than the entire cast of Workaholics.

Receivers, receivers, receivers… immediately my mind went to Kirby and Yoshi, but I think that might be just a bit unfair. I’m also not sure what the rules are for carrying the ball inside you. Somehow, that’s never come up in official play. I eventually settled on Sly Cooper, whose acrobatics let him make catches under all sorts of coverage, and Lucas from MOTHER 3; little dude gets some serious airtime with those jumps of his. Also Rayman, because if he can’t get to the ball, his hands sure as hell can.

For a tight end, I picked Lara Croft. The pun was irresistible.

The offensive line is a Snorlax. Just, a Snorlax.

By the time anybody gets around it, Captain Falcon would have more than enough time to get off a pass. Actually, the cost of making a uniform and pads large enough for a Snorlax is ridiculous, so scratch that. Just get me a Graveler, Marcus Fenix, Kimahri, and a Big Daddy. The center? Ryu. Why? I dunno. Looks like he could snap a ball, I guess.

Defense? Glad nobody asked.

The line is made up of Kratos, Donkey Kong, Bowser, and Zangief. That’s about as exciting as I can make that one.

Solid Snake and Sam Fisher are the linebackers; are they covering passes? Are they rushing the quarterback? I dunno, I can’t see ’em! Snake painted his face and Fisher shot out the lights (which, in this case, is the sun). They both have the moves and observational skills to make any sort of play in midfield. Cole MacGrath’s static-y powers would let him float around pretty efficiently, as well; he’d be great for short passes.

Cornerbacks are Yuffie and Tifa from Final Fantasy 7, both very agile and fast enough to stay on their men. They’re also exceptionally talented when it comes to not getting stabbed.

Cole Phelps from L.A. Noire is the free safety; he has more experience running after and tackling people in an open area than anybody imaginable. Practically everyone he’s met runs away from him. Strong safety would have to be Mario, because when it comes down to field goals and punts, he’s going to block everything.

That just leaves special teams. It’s hard to think of a better kicker than Chun-Li, to be honest, so she’s definitely got the place kicking down. For punting, however, we’ll hand it over to a Hitmonlee. Because that would be adorable.

Making Olimar the referee is pretty much a given; at the end of each play, his whistle would immediately set the players back up, stopping any fights from breaking out. Or, we could make the game fun by making the referee the announcer from Unreal Tournament. That’s probably a better option.

Well, those are my picks. Sure there are a lot of other options, but comparing them would require a depth of research I’m just not capable of.


Charging Chuck can be the placeholder.

Who would you draft?

P.S. Go check out Cerberust on Deviantart. His Final Fantasy Football pictures are ridiculous.

Our Verdict